You probably didn’t know this, but March is National Peanut Month. Don’t worry: until yesterday, I didn’t know either. Now I’m going to have to scramble to fit in all my celebrating.

I first learned of National Peanut Month in the usual way, by coming across the word arachibutyrophobia, or “fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.” What this proves, above all else, is that they really need to wrench the Greek dictionary away from the dork responsible for naming phobias (yet another perfect career choice for me fallen by the wayside, along with writing copy on DVD cases—you know, those film summaries that aim to snare all potential viewers by making the enclosed movie, no matter how quirky or profound, seem no more intellectually challenging than Herbie: Fully Loaded).

But seriously, what else do you name “fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth,” other than arachibutyrophobia? It’s a complex problem that is not adequately expressed in simple, five- or six-syllable words. As a person whose innumerable phobias include fear of mispronouncing words in public, I can only begin to imagine the suffering arachibutyrophobics endure. Fortunately, there is hope:

Treatment and hope for arachibutyrophobics

Of this website’s many treasures, it is difficult to select a favorite. If forced to choose, I’d pick from among the following excerpts:

“The Fear Of Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of The Mouth Phobia Clinic at The CTRN Phobia Clinic™ is entirely results-focused, so we charge you for the result you want: freedom from fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth phobia - regardless of how long it takes.”

“Like all fears and phobias, fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth phobia is created by the unconscious mind as a protective mechanism. At some point in your past, there was likely an event linking peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth and emotional trauma.”

“But so long as the negative association is powerful enough, the unconscious mind thinks: ‘Ahh, this whole thing is very dangerous. How do I keep myself from getting in this kind of situation again? I know, I'll attach terrible feelings to peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth, that way I'll steer clear in future and so be safe.’ Just like that fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth phobia is born.”

“If you are living with fear of peanut butter sticking to your mouth phobia, what is the real cost to your health, your career or school, and to your family life? Avoiding the issue indefinitely would mean resigning yourself to living in fear, missing out on priceless life experiences big and small, living a life that is just a shadow of what it will be when the problem is gone.”

“For anyone earning a living, the financial toll of this phobia is incalculable. Living with fear means you can never concentrate fully and give your best. Lost opportunities. Poor performance or grades. Promotions that pass you by. Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth phobia will likely cost you tens, even hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of your lifetime, let alone the cost to your health and quality of life.”

“We have never met a case of Fear Of Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of The Mouth Phobia that could not be overcome using these methods. So please, whether or not you decide to work with us, make a decision to get over Fear Of Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of The Mouth Phobia now.”

Well, there you have it. If you like what you’ve read so far, please, please for the love of God scroll to the bottom of this Fear Of Peanut Butter Sticking To The Roof Of The Mouth Phobia Clinic page to peruse some of the other phobias they treat. Fear of Poverty? Yes. Fear of Plans? Oh, my God—my life story! Fear of Pregnant? Haven’t we all been there.

Perusing the alphabetical index of fears, one finds among the list of torments:

Decidophobia

Beaten By a Rod Phobia

Deepness Phobia (several of my ex-boyfriends had this)

Myxophobia (“a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of slime”)

Eleutherophobia (“a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of freedom”)

Soceraphobia (“a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of parents-in-law”)

Ouranophobia (“a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of Heaven”)

The Color Purple Phobia (huh?)

Everything Phobia (“a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of everything” “Like all fears and phobias, everything phobia is created by the unconscious mind as a protective mechanism. At some point in your past, there was likely an event linking everything and emotional trauma… But so long as the negative association is powerful enough, the unconscious mind thinks: ‘Ahh, this whole thing is very dangerous. How do I keep myself from getting in this kind of situation again? I know, I'll attach terrible feelings to everything, that way I'll steer clear in future and so be safe.’ Just like that everything phobia is born.”)

Scientific Terminology Phobia

One That Has a Vile Odor Phobia

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (“a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of long words”)

Fear of Dinner Conversation

Fear of Waiting a Long Time

Fear of Undressing in Front of Someone

Yes, yes and yes. I leave it to you, intrepid blog reader, to continue researching this website on your own—assuming you don’t have Fear of Stupid Websites Phobia. 

Happy National Peanut Month! Now go get you some salmonella.